5 REASONS AL-QAEDA IS THE NEW TECHCRUNCH

#1. Circulating Internal Memos About Branding

Maybe bin Laden wasn't caught in the act of building suicide bombs in a cave or buying plutonium from wild-eyed inventors, but he was still a terrorist -- someone who, by definition, exists to scare people. So as the head guy of al-Qaeda, you'd expect him to give about as many shits about what people thought of him as your average raving homeless man. What you don't expect is a guy so worried about the company's image that he was one memo away from changing al-Qaeda's name in a last-ditch effort to rebrand the organization. 

#2. Coming Up With Social Media Strategies Recruitment 

Terrorists may be rotten-ass evildoers, but they still have friends and families and ex-girlfriends who broke their homecoming date in order to go out with your cousin Mike, just like everyone else. So it's not surprising that terrorists have been using Facebook for a while now, and for the same reasons you do. al-Qaeda members post videos, host discussions and presumably annoy former acquaintances with feel-good Maya Angelou quotes. But while it's one thing to picture 24 villains posting "Words With Friends" scores in between making bombs and planning their glorious martyrdoms, it's quite another for al-Qaeda officials to strongly encourage members to bone up on their social media skills in order to woo new recruits as a matter of policy. 

#3. Reaching Out to the Kids With the Rap Music 

Remember back in the '80s when all you needed to pass as a rapper was a pair of dark sunglasses, some gold chains and untied Adidas? Of course you don't, because even then everyone knew the difference between a real rapper and an idiot wearing his mom's jewelry. But that didn't stop corporations, football players and the Pillsbury Dough-boy from hopping on the rap wagon to sell their wares, which was one reason why the '80s were a hilarious yet horrifying time. 

#4. Printing Glossy Magazines 

If you've noticed a theme by this point, it's that al-Qaeda must be running low on membership. That's why they're making all these weird compromises. But there's one thing missing from al-Qaeda's attempt to reach the modern world with modern tactics: coffee table magazines. Glossy, inspirational publications with tons of loose subscription cards that fall out every time you turn a page. 

#5. Responding to Attacks Like a Talk-Show Pundit 

Turn on a cable news channel and you'll probably see a pundit bitching about what someone else said. Flip to another channel, and someone is bitching about what the pundit just said. Over the course of several days they'll go back and forth until their argument devolves into stupid bullshit and they both give up and find something new to fight about. If Ann Coulter is involved, the argument starts in the stupid bullshit stage and stays there. What you don't usually see are representatives from terrorist organizations going mano a mano with talking heads because, one, they're terrorists, not talkerists, and two, just showing up at a studio would lead to an arrest, we're guessing.